My Early Impressions On Acting And Leaving My Comfort Zone

          

           It’s so hard to talk about us in any circumstances, to answer the question “what are you doing?” or “what  have you done?” when you have just started your resume and especially when you are not active, you’re not doing a play, a film, a commercial or anything, when you don’t even have an agent. If you’re an actor, everyone can see your work and everyone wants to see you; usually the common question is “You’re an actor…where can I see you?” and if they can’t see you or hear of you anywhere, they think you’re a lunatic who wants to be an actor only so you can be a famous Hollywood star. And if you've being doing modelling jobs in the mean time, these misconceptions are even harder to break. In other professions and courses I don’t know if my friends are doing well or not, unless they get promoted, but even when that happens, you don’t really see their performances.

           When I was studying Psychology at the University I used to spend 2 hours doing an exam sitting at a small chair and table in a room of 200 students. After the exam I had to wait two weeks for the results to be displayed online or in a sheet of paper fixed on a wall. I don’t really believe the examiner even reads the name of a student when he is correcting ‘exam number 143’, I think they don’t really care.  When you get nervous, you get nervous for just 3 hours at your chair and table, if you tell somebody that you had a good result on biology, your family and friends would say “Great!!!” Without really seeing your exam or having an opinion about it! 

        An actor however, has to be exposed to everyone: teachers, friends, family, strangers, the online world... and once they’re exposed, they can’t escape from opinions. Everyone, the person in China or Argentina who saw your video on YouTube, your friends from school, or parents… every single person can have an opinion. As an Actor, when you fail and get nervous, that happens outloud in front of everyone and not confined to your small chair, table and paper exam.

           Becoming an actor is insane.  I used to say, if you feel that you want to be an actor, step back! Try something else, try to avoid it, try another profession for your own good! If you find out that it’s impossible and that you cannot live without it, throw yourself to the wolves and be prepared for an industry of disappointment and rejection where it’s forbidden to moan about it. That’s the way it is. You’re going to fight for a role until the end of your life, even if you win an Oscar one day! Awards don’t solve the problem, because other people have awards as well, other actors are famous, fresh names become more famous and more marketable. It’s exhausting! 

   

            But I think for those who really embrace this career, acting is not even an option. You have to do it and that’s it! I remember 4 years ago after doing an one year course of theatrical training and spending three more intensive months in an acting for screen workshop right afterwards, I’ve decided to step back and give up because I was feeling myself drowning deeper and deeper in a very confused, noisy industry. I felt that I had to be everywhere, to know everyone, I couldn’t really recycle the information and filter what was really necessary and worth it or not. At that time I decided to go back to my little town and spend seven months there, a moment I took advantage of, to take my driving license and get in touch with my music school.

         In the beginning my time there was a relief. Days in small towns feel longer, mornings are longer, afternoons drag on until 7 pm, you don’t need to get the underground and leave your place one hour earlier to be somewhere else and you don’t have to listen to the underground driver apologizing for the delays when you are hungry and anxious to get home. I started seeing everything very clear, remembering my personal journey, the old memories and dreams, my old room in my parent’s house, having coffee with my friends in that small town, who were finishing the university and having normal conversations, talking about life, boyfriends, having kids, settling down and off course, talking about jobs and related plans. At this point I used to feel confused and always looking for an opportunity to avoid the question. But you can’t avoid a question for six months.

            I thought I could forget about acting, but I forgot that it’s not in my nature to live without adrenaline and passion. And the only thing that gives me that is acting. When I was at school, teachers used to say “you have to read this book” and many times, it was a nightmare to finish reading the books. I started believing that I had a reading problem, but what I had was a concentration problem because I was not really interested in those books and subjects. Acting comes natural to me, my concentration is natural, I don’t have to force it, it’s a pleasure to find new books and plays, and it’s a pleasure to read and study! It’s the only thing I have adrenaline to fight for.

          I weighted everything out and I left my comfortable place in my lovely home town, my mom's cooking, and bought my underground travel card again in the big city.  I embraced my acting career with love, passion and respect and with a little bit of humor. It’s impossible to do it if you take it to serious especially if I am a serious person by nature, I don’t laugh too much and I am quite shy, but I am learning to find the humor in the critics, opinions and in the most dramatic scenes of this acting life. 

Lots of Love Lilly*